Succumbing Guilt
by doveyloveyluvsu
Summary: *TRIGGER WARNING: DEPRESSION AND SELF HARM* Maka goes into a deep depression she didn't think she would ever feel again after Soul protects her risking his life in battle. Soul notices something is off about her and tries to help. (SoulxMaka)


**Disclaimer:** I do not own Soul Eater.

* * *

The first time she cut, she swore she would never do it again.

It was around the time her parents divorced. Their fights felt never-ending.

At some point she felt numb to everything around her. She'd read a story once of someone cutting themselves to, ironically, take the pain away. But she didn't know if she even felt any pain to begin with.

So, she cut to feel something again. The first stroke across her wrist didn't do anything, but she was determined to make an impact on her skin.

She tried again, harder this time though. Again nothing, which made her wish she had gotten a sharper knife to begin with.

After taking a few breaths, she pressed it against her wrist again, harder this time, and moving it across faster as well. The moment she did that, she regretted it. It wasn't that deep, but blood started dripping from the cut.

She felt it though. But that's exactly why she regretted it. It was painful. She hated herself for letting herself drop to such a low point. Tears started running down her rosy cheeks. She felt so alone.

After that night, she swore she wouldn't do it again. It just caused her so much pain, not just physically.

Over the next several years, the were many times she saw a knife and wondered what would happen if she did it again. But then, she met Soul. He made her feel so loved, so happy.

He was unlike any guy she'd ever met. So caring and protective of her. That's why when he got hurt, she was so distraught. It was all her fault. She shouldn't have put him in that position.

She felt broken. He always admired her for being so strong, but she just couldn't be that girl anymore. She craved the feeling of the knife again. It's been so many years, but it's finally caught up to her again.

When she got home from the hospital, she headed straight for the kitchen draw that was filled with knives. She tested them to see how sharp they were on her finger tips. All of them were too dull though. Frantic, she started looking through all the drawers in the apartment.

Then she remembered the knife Soul had in his room.

She ran down the hall, opening his door and heading for his bed. Reaching underneath, she pulled out his knife, grabbed it and headed to the bathroom, locking the door just in case.

Setting the knife on her wrist, she hesitated. What would Soul think? But all she cared about was fulfilling her need. It was all her fault. She deserved this.

In one big swipe, blood oozed out of her wrist and got on the knife.

She completely forgot about the knife and put it back in its holster, getting up to wash the blood off her wrist.

The water stung, but it felt kind of nice. She felt satisfied. But guilt didn't take long to make its way to her heart.

She broke her promise to herself.

She instantly felt no better than before. Crumpling to the ground, she cried and cried. Crying herself to sleep on the bathroom floor.

* * *

It's now been three days since the incident. Soul was able to come back home and rest there instead of the hospital. Maka's cut had since healed a bit, scabbing over enough for her to know there would be a scar for quite some time.

She made sure to wrap it every day so no one would ask. It wasn't unusual for Meister's and Weapon's to have their wrists wrapped in case it felt a bit stiff, or for them to have bandages in various places.

She was sitting on the couch staring at the TV screen, not paying any attention to the random show that was on, when Soul finally got home.

Opening the door, Soul saw Maka and felt way better already. "Hey, pigtails. How're you?"

Hearing his voice made her instantly sit up and look his way. She didn't even answer, she hopped up from the couch, running over to him. She was about to hug him when she stopped herself.

"I am so sorry, Soul." She looked down at the ground, tears threatening to fall. "Baka. Why're you asking me how I am? Shouldn't I be asking you?" A tear fell at the memories that flooded her. His blood spurting everywhere with the contact of skin to scythe.

He reached out to her cheek, caressing it and wiping the tear away with his thumb. He tilted her head up, encouraging her to meet his eyes. "I'm fine, Maka. It wasn't your fault. It was my choice to do what I did, and I don't regret any of it. As long as you're safe, I'll be fine. So, I'll ask again, how are you?"

She leaned forward, lightly hugging him, being careful of his stitches. She mumbled a response, "I'm okay."

He could feel some tears soak through his shirt. "Ya know, you're allowed to not be okay. You're allowed to be sad. Just don't keep it in too much, okay?" He pat her back, trying to reassure her he was there.

"…I'll be okay now that you're back."

He smiled against her hair. "Okay."

He went to take a bath, wanting to clean the wound and put on fresh bandages before getting some more rest.

After the bath, he went to his room to put on clean bandages. The bandages were a bit too big though, so he went to grab his knife to cut it in half. He found the knife on the other side of the bed though.

 _Weird, the knife isn't where I always put it._

Taking the knife out of the holster, he was shocked to see dried blood on the blade. He'd never used it in any way that would get blood on it. Wiping it off, he cut the bandage on dressed the wound.

Then, he headed to Maka's room, thinking that she might know what happened.

 _*Knock Knock*_

"Come in!" He heard from the other side. He opened the door and found Maka on her bed, reading a novel.

"Did you use my knife at all?" At the mention of the knife, her face paled, eyes going wide for a split second. That split second was all Soul needed though to know that she knew.

"…No. Why do you ask?", she asked quietly.

Soul observed her, trying to see if he could find anything else off about her. That was when he noticed the bandage on her wrist.

"What happened to your wrist?"

Again, it seemed as if she was a deer in the head lights. She instinctively held her wrist, trying to hide her bandage as if that would make him forget. "I-I just sprained it."

Soul sat next to her on her bed, reaching out for her wrist. He could tell whatever was wrong had to do with what she was trying to hide from him. He hoped it wasn't what he thought it was. There was too much evidence to point him in that direction though. The blood, the bandage, her trying to hide it from him, and covering her wrist when he mentioned it.

She gave up, not wanting to accidentally tear the wound by struggling out of his grip. Maybe this was for the better, if he knew.

He slowly unwrapped the bandage, his breath hitching when he uncovered what it was hiding. He breathed out, "Maka", in a low whisper. He gently ran his thumb over her cut. The, looked up into her emerald green eyes. "I'm so sorry", he whispered, bringing her into a hug. "I'm back now. Everything's gonna be okay." He rubbed her back as she cried in the crook of his neck. She clenched the back of his shirt in her hands.

"It's all- It's all my fault!" She couldn't control the loud cries that escaped her throat. The cries she's been holding back since that night in the bathroom, and since Soul got back.

"It's not, Maka." He cooed, stroking the back of her head and down her back. "It's okay. Shhh." He knew why she did it. He didn't want her to continue blaming herself.

He carefully guided her into her blanket on the far side of the bed and got in after her. Baring with the pain, he pulled her to his chest and kept stroking her head, trying to lull her into a sleep.

* * *

The next couple of weeks, Soul kept a close watch on her. He needed to know that she would be okay, that she would stay okay, and he did everything in his power to make sure of that. Even if it just meant him doing the dishes, cooking, giving her a massage, or simply just holding her in his arms.

After that night, they got into a habit of sleeping with each other. So, it was no surprise when Maka shyly walked into his room and climbed into bed with him.

He wasn''t wearing a shirt that night though, due to the Nevada heat, leaving his scar in the open.

Make stared at it before resting in the space between his chest and arm, resting her head on his shoulder. She traced the scar with her finger, noting every ridge of it.

"Soul?"

He rubbed her back, "Hm?" and kissed her forehead.

"Why'd you do it?" She looked up into his beautiful crimson eyes. "Why'd you save me?"

She asked it as if it wasn't obvious. He smiled slightly at her ignorance.

"You're everything to me, Maka. I don't care if something happens to me, as long as you're safe." He ran his fingers through her hair, looking up at the ceiling before returning his gaze to her. "I love you."

She felt as if her heart skipped a beat. "I-I love you too." She had trouble forming the words due to her shock at his sudden confession.

Kissing her forehead once again, he breathed a sigh of relief. "I'm so glad you're safe." He gave her another kiss, but on her cheek. "We should get some shut-eye. Good night, Maka", he whispered, shutting his eyes and leaning his head against hers.

She smiled, felling bliss. "Good night."

* * *

 **A/N:** Thank you for reading! Please leave a review of what you think! And if you are going through hard times, there will always be someone you can find comfort in, whether it be a friend or a stranger. Take care!


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